I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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