im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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