maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I woke up under a house in Key West
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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