I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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