guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
