As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
