So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
