He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
This baby is an asshole
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
