I feel great
I just peed on a car
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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