Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
