would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
