My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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