I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
