I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
