I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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