I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
