Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
