come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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