so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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