and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
