I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
