I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
