So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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