Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Randomize
