Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
