If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
