so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
