a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
