there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Its about making memories worth repressing
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
