Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
