My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
