Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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