From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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