@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
