is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
