just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
