the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
