I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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