Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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