Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
