and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
