I'm passing your future prison.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Someone shattered a urinal.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
