i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
