kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
