I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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