I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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