Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
