Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
