Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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