My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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