Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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